In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Steven Covey’s fifth habit is Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. It is said that we see the world not as it is, but as we are. So, the fifth habit advocates striving to first understand how someone else sees the world before expecting them to attempt to see it from our viewpoint.

To illustrate how our own perspective often appears to be reality, look at the picture below and guess the age of the woman. If you saw a young one, you’d expect that your neighbor would see the same. Conversely, if you saw an old woman, you expect your neighbor to see that one.

In an experiment to test what woman participants saw, they were divided into two groups. One group was shown only the young person and the other only the old one. When both pictures were combined, those conditioned to see the one they were shown earlier, saw only that one. Group one expected group two to see their picture and group two expected group one to see their picture. If not, the other group was wrong. Imagine how much more ingrained certain beliefs are after years of programming.

By seeking first to understand your neighbor, friend or loved one, you are positioning yourself on their side of the table seeking to perceive the image from where they sit. Which woman do they see and why, so to speak. This more easily enables them to regard you as an ally. You may not always agree, which is not necessarily the objective anyway. But they feel validated in their position. Think of the tensions that can be eased and barriers that can be broken in communication among people and even countries if this was used frequently.

Today, try it. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others.

(NIV, Philippians 2:4)